Finally!

The planets aligned and, for one glorious instance, everything in life went right. In that moment, I held a Wii console at GameStop. I paid, I left, I came home... four or five hours later, here I am! Rejoice, for I am Wii-less no longer!

ROCK THE MOTHERFUCK ON!

Three trains of thought, one blog posting

Why can't I just write something fun and light? Why does everything I write have to be serious, intense, emo, and/or angry? Why?!

The closest I've gotten to writing anything fun that didn't suck was "Three-Way", y'know, the song with devvie and Mr. Grape that's supposed to come out on the VFlaw.Net compilation album? Eventually. Anyway, that was the closest I've gotten. And even that was still serious-sounding and intense-ish.

I suppose, "For The Members At VFlaw Dot Net" was kind of ok, but the beat was crap. Just about the simplest beat for a rap song ever. But, it's still better than that a cappella pile o' crap "The Lighter Side Of Self-Deprecation". *shudder* Anyway, yeah... tie-in!


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Today, my thoughts have been so scattered and bi-polar. And that's okay, when my thoughts are scattered, I end up writing some of my best material for some reason. But, the odd thing is the bi-polarity. I wrote two poems, at the same time, about opposite subject matters. Like, I literally wrote them at the same time, I'd write a couple lines in one, be struck with an idea for the other, and write it down, and then repeat that process back and forth. ABOUT OPPOSITE CONCEPTS! One's about how I don't want to do anything, and the other's about what I'm trying to accomplish... (>_<) Double-you tee motherfucking eff?!


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My insomnia's getting worse. I hate sleeping.

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like I have no real friends anymore. (-_-)


Sometimes I... I touch myself. Inappropriately. (^_~)


Sometimes I wonder what would happen were I to die. (>_>)


Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to kill. (<_<)


Sometimes I consider conforming and resigning to a passionless life. (>_<)


Sometimes I want to be left alone. (-_-)


Sometimes I just want someone to be there with me. (>_<)


Sometimes I feel like everything I do and say is irritating. (-_-)


Sometimes I scream. (>_<)


Sometimes I just plain think.

Monster Energy Drink

It sucks. It sucked when I tried it years ago when it was still new, and it sucked only marginally less today. Bear that in mind when making your energy drink purchases.

And, while we're on the subject of energy drinks, when the fuck did they start making alcoholic energy drinks? I stumbled across an empty can of orange-flavored malt liquor beverage energy drink. What the fuck? I can't imagine it's healthy to mix a depressant and a stimulant, I just can't.

It's All Bullshit, Y'know.

It's 2:44 a.m. as I type this, and I'm tired. So, if I begin to ramble or repeat myself... it's 'cause it's that time o' the morning. But, as I lay in my bed in the dark, tossing and turning, trying to will the insomnia away, I do what I always do: I thought.

I pondered, I considered, I examined, and I realized.

I pondered on the fact that it's been days since I've had contact, real contact, with any of the few friends I have left. I haven't seen them in more than passing, or spent time with them, talked with them, simply hung out with them.

I considered the fact that, until earlier today, I hadn't really made any attempt to contact them.

I examined my life, examined where I've been, and the path that led me to the point in life I am at.

And, finally, I realized, though not for the first time, that I am going nowhere. A new realization, though, is that I'm coming to accept this as fact. I'm coming to terms, and almost becoming content, with fading to oblivion. With disappearing. With ceasing. Now, this might be passed off as teenage-angst bullshit, as my particular age-group is so fond of doing with anything remotely melancholy or depressing, and rightfully so in numerous instances as so many of my particular age-group feel the need to embrace such ridiculously popular motifs as depression and sadness, and instill their own lives with false, fabricated angst.

But, let's examine the word angst, shall we? Because, in my short life thus far, I've noticed that America likes to take a word and use it relentlessly. I speak not of just the media, but of the populace itself. In this case, teenagers, my generation, and the constant desire to write everything off as angsty bullshit.

But, do you know what the word "angst" means? What do you think of when you hear the word "angst"? Does it conjure up images of over-privileged suburban white kids imitating their favorite, simplistic pop-punk bands? Writing terrible lyrics and bad poetry about how awful their life is because mommy and daddy wouldn't buy them a new video game system? Not what "angst" means.

Okay, then, how about the image of yet another over-privileged suburban white kid, but this one happens to be a blogger? Someone who rambles on and on with pretentious bullshit, pretending life is horrible? Someone starving for more and more attention, not for lack of, but because they enjoy it? An attention-whore, if you will? Yet again, not what "angst" means.

Webster's definition of "angst" is simple and direct: anxiety. And anxiety, for those unsure, is a "disturbance of mind regarding some uncertain event". In a word, worry. In that regard, and no other, this is a web log post rife with angst for what the future holds; rampant with anxiety over what is going to happen to me; permeated with ubiquitous worry.


Of course, I might just be pulling bullshit, and an extensive vocabulary, out of my ass in an attempt to ward off boredom. Either way, I've put time into organizing my thoughts, somewhat, so as to share them. It is currently 3:17 as I type these words.

Oh, look, a blue moon...

Hey, so, my brother [younger] is moving back here to live with us. Us being me, my mother, my baby sister, and my step father when he's home. So, anyone lookin' for a roommate? Mr. Grape? Ashy? Y'all are the only two I know of who read this thing. (>_>)

Finally time to rob me a bank! Get that green, yo!

I'm in a frantic mood, don't ask.

Holy shit, Rainbow Family Podcast! Ashy, you should totally be listening to this. And anyone else who looks at this thing but doesn't have anything to say, you should, too.

Ugh, I want to work on music. The rest o' my family needs to go out and eat or something, gimme my alone time.

FUCK.

And that's all I have to say.