I Suck (Not A Gay Topic)

Yeah, I stole it from you, G. What're you gonna do about it? =P

So, I've fallen into a sedentary lifestyle. Hell, falling is too active a word, allow me to rephrase: I've slowly slipped, purely through gravitational pull and no exertion on my part, into a sedentary lifestyle. I've just stopped working on damn near anything: vids, music, reviews, anything. The only thing I still maintain is the weekly mini-reviews, and that really is the least I could do; it requires nigh no effort. The only thing I do is play vidgames, watch movies, and listen to music.

My hopes are, though, that now I'll shake that off and get back to work on something. I've been sitting on this spoken word album for one excuse or another, the latest is that I have no artwork involved whatsoever, but fuck it, I'll just record it, zip it, and put it up for all five of the people who'll listen to it. I've got vids I want to get done [I'm sorry to everyone who've been waiting on me for vids, Shep, brody, I still want to do that vid with you Franny, I promise!], and some other ideas I don't want to get into in case they fall through for whatever reason.

But, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if any of this'll actually happen. The biggest reason for my sudden apathy and lack of activity is a direct result of my severe lack of motivation. It's really one of the few major problems I have in life, I just don't see a reason to do things. For instance, why did I drop out of high school? Well... actually, because I had just stopped going so it only made sense to get the paperwork out of the way and make it official. But I stopped showing up in the first place because I just didn't see the point and couldn't find a good enough reason for me to go. The only reason I kept going as long as I did was because of my girlfriend at the time and the friends I had. But after breaking up with the girlfriend and the majority of my friends stopped wanting to spend time with me, I had no reason to go anymore.

Or take my inability to gain employment. I'm really not that upset about it. What's the point? Yeah, I'd like to have a paycheck, but, not terribly. I'd just buy vidgames and movies, after all. Sure, I could save up and get an apartment, get out on my own. But to what avail? So that I have someplace to sit by myself and watch movies and play vidgames when I'm not working? I don't see people for days as it is, I really don't think that would change if I had a different place of residence. I just play vidgames and watch movies alone, unless I see someone on Xbox Live, and then I'll play a vidgame with them, but still ostensibly alone. I can do that now, and without having to deal with the general public. So why bother getting a job and moving out to do the same things I do now?

There are numerous examples of my apathy and... what's an antonym for motivation? I can't think of one... anyway, there are many examples, but I think you see my point. If I can find no good reason to do something, I find it very difficult to motivate myself, even if I know I should. If I don't know why I should... *shrugs*

So, what was I saying? I think I got distracted, this whole entry is kind of train-of-thought writing that I'm not even bothering to reread... oh, right! Getting around to working on things, music, vids, life. I'm not sure if I'll ever actually do these things as it's becoming increasingly difficult to find reasons for motivation. But I hope I do, maybe starting tomorrow, in fact.

Okay, that's enough. I hope this entry makes sense to someone and isn't too much of a jumbled mess. XD