Neuroses Part One of Infinity

It's currently 2:40 a.m. and I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking.

For many years, I've stood by a very simple idea; although I do not want to die, I am not afraid to die. Sounds all falsely noble and pretentious, but it used to be "I'm not afraid to die", but people interpreted that as being suicidal. So, it had to be amended. With that being said, though, I've been thinking about my own mortality [again], and it's time to change it again.

While I do not want to die, I am not afraid of death, but, I am afraid of dying.

Allow me to explain.

I do not want to die. Simple enough. I feel old, but in truth I am very young and have yet to experience many things in life. I am not prepared to die.

I am not afraid of death. Death itself doesn't worry me, doesn't upset me, and does not frighten me. This comes down to my "spiritual" beliefs, or general lack thereof. I do not believe that there is anything after death. I liken it, in my mind, to never waking up from sleep. I don't realize I'm sleeping while I'm asleep, it's only once I've awoke that this realization occurs to me. I will never realize my own death because there is not waking up from death. But, with that in mind...

I am afraid of dying. It can not be predicted, in truth can not be entirely prepared for. I could go to sleep after posting this and never wake up, and I would never know the difference. Add to this the statistics of accidents, statistical death tolls, and how unrealistic it is for me to consider I am not a part of that, that I've no potential to be a part of those statistics. The rational side of me knows that it's a relatively small chance, given the number of people whom die versus the number of people whom survive, but still... there is that small chance. And thus, I fear dying.

While I'm not sure when it started, exactly, somewhere around the age of at least 13, but no older than 15, I have heavily considered, and generally accepted, the fact that I may not live to see my next birthday. And I long believed that I would probably not reach the age of 20. I'm probably jinxing myself, as I haven't actually made it to 20, but it's looking to more and more likely as the weeks drag on.

Just to throw something at the end of this, my fear of dying ties into my dislike of sleeping, my arachnophobia, and the reason I am not comfortable with the idea of living alone. But I think I've typed enough, as it's now 2:56.